Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
You Might Also Like
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.