Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
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I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it