Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
You Might Also Like
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
