Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
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them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I feel it
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?