Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

stop saying that building a portal in philly is a bad idea. it’s obviously going to be, but we deserve to see it play out, don’t ruin it.

it is time once again

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by