Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family

Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”

Never been more impressed in my life.

😂😂

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Thank heavens for community notes

Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.

What do you call an upset reindeer?

Caribou-hoo.

*Ba-dum-tsss

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.