Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
No self control, must pet the kitty 😂
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I brushed my hair and put on mascara to go look for a tree. Sup trees, how YOU doin
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
You’re goddamn right I’m touching the plate immediately after you warn me it’s hot
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
m’lady
My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.