Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Monday?
No. Next question.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.