why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
me adding lol on a serious message
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
gender is a sprctrum
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad: