why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
You Might Also Like
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
i spent way too long on this
His flabber was gasted 😂
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks