why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
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Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever