WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
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Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
adam and eve had first world problems
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.