Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

Where’s a careening bus when you need it?

[after a plane crash]

Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

I have a new favorite meme page

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

[Driving]

*Sees a McDonald’s*

*Thinks coffee*

*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire