WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it