WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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The Struggle
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
meanwhile over on facebook
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…