Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active.

I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

genie: you have three wishes

me: nightvision goggles

genie: dope

me: the only pair on the planet

genie: many people will be affected

me: now kill the sun

genie: dude

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat

Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?

Rhino: What’s in it for me?

Bird: I’ll warn you of danger

Rhino: I don’t have predators

Bird:

Rhino:

Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?

7 raccoons on Zoom:

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?

Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

[olive garden]

HOST: when you’re here you’re family

DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes

Me: *lifts couch cushion*

6yo: what are you looking for?

Me: six thousand dollars

it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this

Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak