My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.