WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
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Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
This guy’s not having it 😆
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
A man of commitment.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT