Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
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[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
That’s no pocket rocket.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I’ve been drinking.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now