why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Violence is NOT the answer. The answer is *opens history book*
uh oh
*frantically starts flipping through pages*
uh oh. oh no. no no no. uh oh
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”