why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
who’s gonna tell her?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Not being able to eat before blood work is so stupid. Yes I’m aware my funyon levels have spiked am I dying or not?
just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know