why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
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I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Perfection.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
