why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
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mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
You are not alone 💚
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice