why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
You Might Also Like
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?