why does this picture look like abed accidentally transported into gilmore girls and not that the actor is actually in this scene
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My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
This raises questions
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Perfect
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My loaf of bread looks terrified
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”