Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*

Four-year-old: Look, a rock!

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.

Me: Please throw them in the dryer.

Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.

Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Guy who invented coffee:

“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.

I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread