Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.