Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business