Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
[canadians at you, canadianly]
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
My favorite type of men is ramen.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.