Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
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Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My plans: 2020:
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up