Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
You Might Also Like
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD