Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a married dad of 3 kids, I can tell you that good behavior is not possible when going out for dinner. It’s even worse when you take the kids with you
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine