Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
So wait, witch. You’re telling me I should only drive a stick?
OK Broomer
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
“we will go ahead and make these changes if we don’t hear from you before friday” is such an elegant way to solve problems