Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit