Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
the last thing a carrot sees
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs