Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

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[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?


I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.


me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie

girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic


My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is


Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.


Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.



~ My dog every time I use a broom


Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.


Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.