Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Good advice.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
#StillHurts
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?