Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

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Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”


common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place


“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet

Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-

*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*

Me: We have to go NOW


The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t