@hurlarious

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

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@david8hughes

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@EJGomez

me: annie are you ok
so annie are you ok
are you ok annie
(X5)

girl [wearing name tag that says annie]: sir will it be paper or plastic

@HysteriaBarbie

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

@HatfieldAnne

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

@PyrBliss

Just thought about sex for the 100th time today, and let me tell you, it’s definitely NOT the thought that counts.

@Vice_Queen

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

@weinerdog4life

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

@Laser_Cat

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.