Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
I’m pretty sure this happened to the dinosaurs.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Mom: how about 1 friend
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
I guess knocking on random dressing room doors in a department store and asking “hey, can I see how you look?” is frowned upon.
Paper plates were invented by a guy whose wife asked him to do the dishes once.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes