Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.