why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Ha
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
With hindsight, putting that wind turbine near the end of the runway wasn’t the best idea.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.