why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”