why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
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*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
9: [doing something dangerous]
me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die
9: you’re always afraid of something like that.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day