– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Love this guy
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
how to have fun when you’re poor
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Cartman: Respect my
a a
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.