You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?
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I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.