@Iwriteforcats

Why doesn’t, “I have a headache!” work for when I don’t want to mow the yard?

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@zero3_benz

You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?

@Underchilde

I opened Twitter at a red light once, and when I looked up, a week had passed and I was sitting in police impound.

@pleatedjeans

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

@ZachWeiner

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

@UncleDuke1969

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

@thatcarlygirl

Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.

@Molly_Kats

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

@TheDizzyBeauty

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

@themorris23

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

@TrueQuixote

I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.