Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
You Might Also Like
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
me as a parent
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything