1. Invite snowmen into your conference room.
2. Turn up heat.
3. Negotiate on YOUR terms.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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You got acute appendicitis ..
No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God: you krilled it : )
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*