Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
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Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!