Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boarding a plane]

me: I’m nervous

steward: oh why?

me: *leans in for kiss*

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.

“We will wed,” I threatened

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.

Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.

If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

6:32 a.m.

Me: Good morn—

6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!

“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”

wow ok you did not age well

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.