Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
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Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
this chia pet tastes awful
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
omg leave her alone
My dog ate my work from home.
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
when someone compliments me
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Nothing to do, you say?
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you