Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

applying for a new job

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?

Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people

I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!

God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.

Elephant: oh wow!

God: I know right?

Elephant: am I the loudest?

God: lol goodness no.

Elephant: well who is?

God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )

The sacred texts.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Now who done made this a sport lmao

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️