Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:

1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!

But that’s none of my business

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

Oh yeh? Explain this then

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.

Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial

My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards

My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.