Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.

me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*

My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

gf: where’s that parcel from

me: amazon

gf: what’s in it

me: *bleeding* piranhas

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.