Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.