Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
No one:
London landlords:
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
A comic by Dan Piraro
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.