Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If I ignore life will it go away?
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring