Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
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I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”