Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

Thursday Thought.

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.

monday

I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.