My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
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Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
liiiiiiiiike
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…