Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this

I built a tricycle pram tonight

*adds bike mechanic to the resume*

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.

Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?

Doctor: I hate this job.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?

Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles

[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]

ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please

Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares