Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.
She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,
I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.