Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Merica.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.