Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
You Might Also Like
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
…żyje?
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?