Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.

Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.

[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys

ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?

Pro tip: Turn any sofa into a sofa bed by telling your girl to calm down.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.

I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.

[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.

[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble

“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.