Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
*me flirting
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
