Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.

you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.

[day 8 of quarantine]

me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time

monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here

me:

monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again

monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue