Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you