Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
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This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
I can also cook 😂
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law