I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
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I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
U talkin 2 me?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
🤣dope
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.