why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
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do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.
🐟✨ #re4
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Look at this
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.