Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
I don’t get marriage
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Rooting for the overdog
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department