Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.

How did you get this number..?

– me to my whole family..

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: can I give some feedback?

me: what did I just say

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.

Also me: Oh shit that was today.

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?