why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
getting groceries
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet