why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Employees must applaud the planets.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]