*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!