Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
– Hello, Police.
– I need to speak to an officer please. I’ve been accused of chucking something at someone, but it was only a bit of my dessert!
– Just pudding you threw.
– Thanks.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.