Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
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the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Passwords are more important than ever.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”