Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.

Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?

been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.