Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”

#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this

If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio

God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect

Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha

God *creates asteroids*

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

She might be a genius

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire

~ the guy in front of me, apparently

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.