Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
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Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.