Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

🤣

Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.

Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-

Me: NO SHIT ALEXA

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

My loaf of bread looks terrified

If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

Digital security in Ancient Troy

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.