Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

when she block me on everything

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”

It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.

marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.

“I got you, babe.”

– kidnappers

During a meditation session

Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.

My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.

Real 😅

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…

I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas

9-year-old: No one can read my diary.

Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.

9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.