Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
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One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.