Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
a fate I wish upon no one
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.